What’s on my heart

Talking briefly with my dear friend Katharyn just now (who is a wonderful listener!), some of the following things came into focus and I need to put them down on paper. So to speak.

This is going to be a very self-centered post. Hopefully by the end it may be God-centered, we’ll see. I cannot vouch for these thoughts and questions as godly, or helpful, or good. But I need your prayers, so here they are.

I am weary. Weary of uncertainty. Of big changes that loom in the future without form, and having to make major decisions with no idea whether they are best.

Wear of being busy while rarely spending time with the people I love. Weary of saying “I miss you” to so many people so often. Not because I don’t, but because the words are so not enough.

Weary of leaving people! Everywhere I’ve lived, I’ve had to leave. People ask where I’m from and, although there were a few longer stretches here and there, it’s a matter of “pick one.”  Cannot I please just belong somewhere? Can I know the same people for more than a few years for once?  A line from Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” often comes to mind, though taken very slightly out of context: “My love is all as hungry as the sea, and can digest as much!”  Perhaps that is an over statement. But I become deeply attached to close friends easily, and can be fiercely loyal to the point of foolishness; when it comes time to leave, the pain of it obscures the thought of future friends. Even now, when I have not left Arkansas yet, I find myself lonely more and more often as the busyness of life separates me from the few friends that are here.

I fear large responsibilities. Like having my own family or being in charge of something important. This fear sometimes keeps me from doing and asking and trying–even things I greatly desire to do. I never feal sufficient for a task. I fear letting people down and being thereafter regarded as a failure in that area. That’s definitely a fear-of-man thing; and as far as not feeling sufficient, that’s probably because I never am. Only in Christ can I do all things. But why don’t I think of that when the time comes? I frequently remember, but too late.

The crazy thing about all this is that as much as new things frighten me, I love them! Almost always, I love them after I’ve tried them. And the projects I feared usually turn out alright. So why do I still balk at new experiences that require trust and effort? Am I that weak? Apparenlty so. It seems my mind and heart must constantly re-learn the same lessons…

I am aware of the beauty of having moved so much. Friends all over the world–people I would trust with my life in a moment, in dozens of states and countries. The richness of seeing God work in so many lives, so many churches, so many nations. The accounts of His work come pouring in with emails and blogs from missionary and  international friends, to encourage and to challenge. And this summer, I look forward to two special weddings of people I love dearly here in Little Rock, and more time to spend with the others who will be home from school.

And every big change I have feared, while accompanied by its own pain, has turned into something wonderful in one way or another. Sometimes small ways, other times huge.

Thanks for wading through all that with me. When you have a moment, please pray  that I will trust my Lord. His Word overflows with His faithfulness to those who trust Him. Please pray that I would OBEY. For strength to kill selfishness moment by moment and joyfully serve my family and friends, and strangers, without resentment. Please pray that my heart would find calm in the wisdom of my Father.

In spite of the rest, I have no uncertainty of my salvation. Daily I know the conviction of the Spirit, the comfort of the Father and the love of Christ. I want to know Him more.  I want to SEE Him. I cannot tell you how much I want to see Him. To be free from sin. Free from fear.

Thank you!

And pray all this for yourself, too. I’ll pray it for you.

A small assortment of topics which may or may not be of interest.

Jeepers, it’s been a while.  Oftentimes I am not on the computer until rather late at night and believe you me, anything I write after 10 pm is generally not fit for public consumption. Just ask anyone who has talked to me online at those hours.

Random happy discovery: first, my feather-with-a-metal-nib pen (from Lyon) works very well with the dip Calligraphy ink I already have; second, it does not get stuck in or bleed onto my parchment paper. Huzzah! Time for letter writing. All I need now is a real antique writing desk. Always wanted one of those.

Also, my deep and abiding love of rainbow sherbet has been reawakened. As my poor sister tries to recover from this bout of serious lung/head/throat/ear ickyness, our supply of cool and refreshing things to eat has gone up to a level far more to my liking and rainbow sherbet is among them. Yum! And please pray for Becca. No joke, she’s extremely ill and miserable.

Remember that whole go-to-court-because-of-the-accident thing? That’s in two days. Wednesday. My sincere thanks to you who have been praying all this time. Or prayed at all!  =}  I’m a bit nervous.

Currently reading: “The Lost Tomb” The Incredible Story of KV 5 and its Excavation  by Kent R. Weeks, Ph.D.  “In 1995, an American Egyptologist discovered the burial site of the sons of Ramsses II.”
Yes folks, I am reading a book about a major archeological dig. It is really quite thrilling. The book was given to me for my sixteenth birthday (by Kristen Ezmirly) and I’ve read the amazing prologue many times, and occasionally a chapter or two; it is long since time to actually imbibe the entire book. Egyptology and Archeology are two of my lesser known, less pursued hobbies. Exciting!

Pictures of my car (for those of you who’ve asked–and for me for fun!) are forthcoming.

I wish my hair grew faster.

Did you know (I know Aaron W. knows) that Tom Wilson (a.k.a. “Biff” of BTTF) is a rather amazing artist/writer/comedian?  Check out his website, http://www.bigpopfun.com, especially the FAQ page (http://bigpopfun.com/faq.shtml). If you do read that page, you must needs read it all the way down. Yea, unto the very end (it’s not that long)–you’ll likely be glad you did. And then you must YouTube “Biff’s Question Song”.  The man has some exceedingly pleasant comic genius. It’s monstrous good fun.

Aside from the the court thing and the praying for my sister thing, it is time to stop burdening you with random information, fun or otherwise. Here is something not useless:

Have you checked out Professor Horner’s Bible Reading System yet?  I sat in many college classes under this man and I was continually convicted by his ready and thorough knowledge of the Bible. He put this system together for himself as a new believer twenty-something years ago, and used it ever since.
The goal of it is not deep personal study, that is for other time in the Word. The goal is to become intimately familiar with all of Scripture over time, through increased retention by way of constant repetition. Please look at the Facebook group for instructions, or ask me for a copy. I will happily provide you with the piece of paper or email it to you. I have never had my appetite for the Word so whetted and satisfied as with this reading schedule. It is ambitious, but since when should that be a deterrent. This is God’s Word and we need to KNOW IT.