Talking briefly with my dear friend Katharyn just now (who is a wonderful listener!), some of the following things came into focus and I need to put them down on paper. So to speak.
This is going to be a very self-centered post. Hopefully by the end it may be God-centered, we’ll see. I cannot vouch for these thoughts and questions as godly, or helpful, or good. But I need your prayers, so here they are.
I am weary. Weary of uncertainty. Of big changes that loom in the future without form, and having to make major decisions with no idea whether they are best.
Wear of being busy while rarely spending time with the people I love. Weary of saying “I miss you” to so many people so often. Not because I don’t, but because the words are so not enough.
Weary of leaving people! Everywhere I’ve lived, I’ve had to leave. People ask where I’m from and, although there were a few longer stretches here and there, it’s a matter of “pick one.” Cannot I please just belong somewhere? Can I know the same people for more than a few years for once? A line from Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night” often comes to mind, though taken very slightly out of context: “My love is all as hungry as the sea, and can digest as much!” Perhaps that is an over statement. But I become deeply attached to close friends easily, and can be fiercely loyal to the point of foolishness; when it comes time to leave, the pain of it obscures the thought of future friends. Even now, when I have not left Arkansas yet, I find myself lonely more and more often as the busyness of life separates me from the few friends that are here.
I fear large responsibilities. Like having my own family or being in charge of something important. This fear sometimes keeps me from doing and asking and trying–even things I greatly desire to do. I never feal sufficient for a task. I fear letting people down and being thereafter regarded as a failure in that area. That’s definitely a fear-of-man thing; and as far as not feeling sufficient, that’s probably because I never am. Only in Christ can I do all things. But why don’t I think of that when the time comes? I frequently remember, but too late.
The crazy thing about all this is that as much as new things frighten me, I love them! Almost always, I love them after I’ve tried them. And the projects I feared usually turn out alright. So why do I still balk at new experiences that require trust and effort? Am I that weak? Apparenlty so. It seems my mind and heart must constantly re-learn the same lessons…
I am aware of the beauty of having moved so much. Friends all over the world–people I would trust with my life in a moment, in dozens of states and countries. The richness of seeing God work in so many lives, so many churches, so many nations. The accounts of His work come pouring in with emails and blogs from missionary and international friends, to encourage and to challenge. And this summer, I look forward to two special weddings of people I love dearly here in Little Rock, and more time to spend with the others who will be home from school.
And every big change I have feared, while accompanied by its own pain, has turned into something wonderful in one way or another. Sometimes small ways, other times huge.
Thanks for wading through all that with me. When you have a moment, please pray that I will trust my Lord. His Word overflows with His faithfulness to those who trust Him. Please pray that I would OBEY. For strength to kill selfishness moment by moment and joyfully serve my family and friends, and strangers, without resentment. Please pray that my heart would find calm in the wisdom of my Father.
In spite of the rest, I have no uncertainty of my salvation. Daily I know the conviction of the Spirit, the comfort of the Father and the love of Christ. I want to know Him more. I want to SEE Him. I cannot tell you how much I want to see Him. To be free from sin. Free from fear.
And pray all this for yourself, too. I’ll pray it for you.